I really don't know what to say. Those who know me are probably dying laughing or fallen over in shock at the very utterance of those words from this gal. But it is true. As much as my desire has been overwhelming to be in ministry and do what I know I am called to do... my lack of knowing what to say or write on a blog has been equally overwhelming.
I don't understand it, but it has kept me from posting to SHINE. And that alone, frustrates me and makes me feel inadequate. I am so tired of feeling like I am inconsistent. Yet, once again, I will say as I have numerous times before... I just want to be REAL. I hear it already... how can you all be sure I am real if you never hear from me. :( Sad face.
I have been posting very regular about the ups and downs of life on my Facebook page. Maybe I have posted so much that I have used it as a substitute for the time I SHOULD be letting God inspire me with what He wants to use for SHINE. I don't know, don't know if I ever will, but I just want you all to know what has been going on and where I stand still. I just feel like I have had this HUGE writer's block.
I JUST WANT TO BE USED! Even in the insanity of my chaotic life!
I just read that last paragraph and that is it in a nutshell: I fell like this is the time in life where I just stand still. It doesn't mean I am do-less. It just means that God is showing me more and more that NOTHING in this life is about what I DO. Why do we feel like everything is determined by what we do or don't do? Why can't we just stand still and let God? Even in the daily circumstances I face right now, standing still seems SO WRONG, ABNORMAL! Yet, numerous times in scripture we read, "Wait on the Lord. Be still and know I am God. Etc." Why is that so hard to wrap our minds around? Why can't we just WAIT, BE STILL, and KNOW?
Even in this moment... I wonder if my words are even making sense. I have the huger perception that EVERYTHING has to be perfect. Yet, even in this moment, God said to me, "It isn't about perfect performance... it's about letting Him use me perfectly." It's not my perfection, but HIS ability perfectly use me.
I don't know what you are facing today, but remember that God loves you. He has a perfect plan for you, that doesn't mean you have to be perfect... it just means HE will perfectly use you in your imperfections.
Hoping you will hear from me much more often. :)