Friday, August 6, 2010

How Can I Get Where You Are?

Someone sent me a FLOORING message on Facebook.
The thing that was so flooring is that this person saw me so much differently than I see myself. But, the questions that were posed hit me deeply and I really feel it may help to share the discussion with you all. OF COURSE, I am not going to betray who sent me the message... but I want to share it because I think we all need to see what sphere of influence we have, sometimes without even
knowing it.

Here is what I was asked:
How can I get where you are? I mean, how can I get that feeling of total love and trust from God? Is it something you work at? Is it reading the Bible often and talking to God? Or is it a gift from God? I've always been close to God but I've yet to get that feeling that so many people I know gets....I want to be so much more like you but I just don't know how.

So here was my answer:
I am floored! I struggle EVERY day! My first thought is the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto thine own understanding; in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." There are some key words in that... ALL your heart, OWN understanding, in ALL they ways, ACKNOWLEDGE Him. Honestly.. some days, it is just self talk. It is a daily choice and I have to proclaim it over and over again. So I have increased that proclamation by praising and acknowledging Him on FB as well as as much as comes out of my mouth as possible.

There are days that I want to post the most negative things on here. Like, how can so and so claim to be a Christian and drag me down with their insane hypocrisy; or how I feel like a horrible mother cause my house is a mess and my kids have smart mouths; or how I would just like to strangle ...(that part was left out to protect the NOT SO innocent). BELIEVE ME... I am so far from THERE... whatever that is.

I have spent the past 4 years finding my happiness and value from one man to the next, giving myself over to "slipping" in the moment and wallowing in guilt for the next two weeks until the moment hits again. And then living the space in between each relationship, spending my nights bawling and screaming out to God wanting someone just to hold me. Does that sound like a feeling of total love and trust to you?

BUT... God has brought me SOOOO far over the past few years. I feel like I hit rock bottom and am slowly climbing back where God wants me to be.. but HE is SOOOO gracious. When I think I am at my worst... as long as I am willing, He seems to use me in the craziest ways.

I know I am babbling maybe.. but it is so hard to explain... cause as much as I love God, I fail Him over and over. But, you asked me about that feeling of total love and trust. I think that part of that has come from just spending time in Bible Study.. I don't mean "devotions" I mean taking even one verse and looking at the meaning of each word. That has helped me so much. I am seeing how LOVING God is more and more.

The other thing I do, is really imagine God as my DADDY.. not my Father, but my daddy. When I can't go anywhere else I literally imagine myself as a little girl and climbing up in His lap and letting Him just put His arms around me and hold me tight, rock me, or just lift me up above His head and twirl me around. I know that sounds a little silly, but somehow, when I think of God that way... which He REALLY is that way... it teaches me to trust Him and love Him more. The other thing I do is imagine dancing with God. I imagine stepping on His toes and dancing with Him. I imagine literally dancing with God.. carefree. It actually helps me release those things that are holding me down.

That may sound so silly to you... but all I know is that THIS imperfect, insecure, impatient, impulsive woman would not be able to face each day without the love of my "DADDY" and knowing that I would just be a screw up without HIS plan for my life.

I struggle with the battle between the FLESH and the SPIRIT. It is so hard on the days I feel bad to FEEL like I am a "worthy" Christian. Some days I feel like SUPER-SPIRITUAL WOMAN and other days I FEEL like I am the biggest screw up on the face of the earth.. .the key is FEEL. I have to make myself move beyond FEEL to KNOW. And I know that Jesus bought me with a price, He CHOSE me, and He cared enough about ME.. ME.. this crazy insane "fat" girl... to plan my future before I was even a thought in my mother's little girl desires to be a mommy one day.

I don't know if this has helped you or not. But.. .it is my heart. Remember, what you see on the outside and THINK people are feeling... may not be what it seems. I have found that some of the most "seemingly" secure Christians struggle with doubt and insecurity. Not one of us are perfect... if we were, we wouldn't need HIM!

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you thinking of me. God is opening up my world in such a REAL way. If I can do nothing else, I want to be REAL with others so that they can be prompted.. or comfortable to be REAL with God and each other. We have enough fakes in this world.

My friend told me this yesterday when we were talking about comparing ourselves to other Christians who seemed to GET what we don't... and this is what she said:

"The only comparing you should do is the person that you are now and the person you know God wants you to be."

It isn't what Suzie Homemaker is, or Connie Corporate, or Anna Amazing-mom, or Christina Christian... You see what I mean? Just be YOU... be the YOU that God made you to be! FIND THE YOU in YOU! FIND YOUR PLACE IN GOD!

I am only posting because there is no way for anyone to really know who it is. But... I really feel it is important for us all to remember that it is our EVERY DAY LIFE that is making impressions on others... good or bad. I just had a discussion today with someone who was so disappointed in some of the posts that were showing up from "Christians" on Facebook. But you know... even "Christians" are human and FB seems to be the place we vent without thinking about the effects.

Even as I read over my response, I think, "Maybe I didn't use enough scripture to back up my views like so and so would have." You see... it is like I heard this weekend from Lysa TerKeurst ...when Satan wants to discourage you by what someone else has that you don't... personality, skill, influence.. etc....YOU have to take authority and say to him, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Don't let him discourage you like that. It is a matter of the mind and it is crucial that you let Jesus have control of your mind!

Sometimes I ramble.. but in it all, I hope you get the idea. BE YOU!!! That is who God made you to be. And, find security in YOUR DADDY! Climb up in His lap and enjoy His love and protection today!

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