You know, I screw up quite frequently. I am a woman of good intentions, not the best follow-through and a life full of constant chaos. My dream for SHINE would be to have a post every day. But as I have said so many times, SHINE is a place to be real... and this is the real me.
I am at a point in my life that seems to be the lowest it has ever been. I go to bed at night crying and take my morning shower with a downpour of my own tears. Life doesn't seem fair. Troubles and fears are overwhelming. And at times... I literally hate myself. Do you ever feel like that? Don't we all have those points in our lives?
One of the things that God had so laid on my heart is that I am his baby girl. And let me tell you, I have been crying like a baby these days. At some points I get bitter, cause I no longer have a spouse to partner with me, to comfort me, to take some of the load. There is no one that truly understands the extent of what I am going through.. and the few who do, have a life of their own chaos I don't want to intrude on. Satan is really good at filling my mind of insecurities and grudges.
BUT.... I am still God's baby girl. When NO ONE ELSE is here to hold me when I cry... HE does!!! In the moments I am alone and want to just escape and get wasted or run to the first man that will give me that "release" I am so desperately craving... GOD IS THERE. I don't necessarily feel Him, but the fact that I have the strength to resist those harmful desires in my life... means HE IS HERE!!!
I should be at work already this morning. I want to crawl in the bed and disappear. Two minutes ago, I almost went for a drink just to calm my nerves.. and honestly, I still feel like I might.... but God does have me under control. He is my strength! He is my fortress! He is my EVER PRESENT help in trouble! And when EVERYTHING ELSE in life fails... HE REMAINS.
I may not FEEL the best. I may even feel like I am not a Christian... haven't read like I should, haven't kept commitments like I should, not moved by spiritual things like others.... but I am still God's baby girl crawled up in His lap with His great big arms holding me. Sometimes it is hard to remember, but it is true.
If you are struggling with anything today. Someone else has been there. You are NOT the only one even though you feel like the entire world is against you. I would love to quote scripture and give you physical proof that God is there.. but I can't.. not today. I am just too tired... and that is ok. We all have those kind of days. But let me assure you that GOD LOVES YOU..... let me remind myself that GOD LOVES ME! Sink your little head into his arms and let HIM be the one to comfort you today. I know that I would not be able to even write this without His existence and love.
Will I be crying today? Yes. Will I still be discouraged today? More than likely. Will I have to deal with hurts, bitterness, insecurity? For sure. BUT.... will God fail me? NO WAY! I need to remember that, and apparently someone that is going to read this needs to know it too.
My life verse has been Joshua 1:9 and maybe I need to be reminded of it today.
"Have I not commanded you? Be not afraid; neither be thou dismayed for the Lord thy God is with you withersoever thou goest."
God is with me through every trial... and He can be there with you too!
